[A little GIRL and BOY are playing their room when the FATHER enters.]
FATHER: Alright kids, it’s time for bed.
BOY: I don’t want to go to bed!
FATHER: Look, it’s late, you have school in the morning, and I know you’ll wish you’d gone to sleep earlier when I wake you up.
GIRL: No! We’re not tired at all.
FATHER: Just get into bed.
BOY: No! We’re never going to sleep ever again.
GIRL: I’m gonna guzzle six red bulls and then put my hands on the stove every time I feel like I might be getting sleepy.
BOY: I’m gonna have thirty shots of expresso and cut the skin between my fingers with a razor blade every time I feel like I might be getting sleepy.
GIRL: I’ll bang my head against the wall.
BOY: I’ll rub my eyes until I see fireworks.
GIRL: I’ll bite my lip till it bleeds.
BOY: I’ll set my alarm to go off once every five minutes.
FATHER: Okay, whatever. Just keep it down I guess.
[The BOY and GIRL jump around, chanting, ‘We’re gonna stay up forever!’ over and over. Soon it becomes sleepier and sleepier until they’re both chanting it in a zombified monotone.]
FATHER: Kids, it’s been 3 weeks. Your mother and I are worried about you, and the doctors say that if you don’t go to sleep soon, a blood vessel’s going to burst in your brains and fill your skull with blood.
BOY: We’re never going to sleep!
GIRL: No way! Stay up forever and ever!
FATHER: I don’t know what to do.
[The FATHER exits. Then a blue man in a black robe with neon make-up enters.]
BOY: Who are you?
CHAIKAI: I am Chaikai, a luminous spirit being of the dark matter dimension. Sleep deprivation has unfocused your consciousness enough that you can see me.
GIRL: Oh awesome!
BOY: He’s blue!
CHAIKAI: Indeed children. And now I would like to introduce to you the king sage of the dark matter dimension. He is the one who you denizens of lower spiritual planes refer to as God, Allah, Vishnu, and so on and so forth.
[Another blue man wearing a burger king crown enters. He pukes.]
CHAIKAI: The king sage occasionally dispenses divine wisdom between puking up the concentrated evil that pollutes the collective soul of humanity.
BOY: It looks like hot dog bits.
GIRL: And pop tarts.
CHAIKAI: We must wait for his fragmented celestial mind to assemble divine universal truth from his omniscient view of the cosmos.
BOY: He looks sick.
GIRL: Sometimes when my dad eats burger king, he has an upset stomach and he takes tums.
BOY: I don’t like this. I’m scared.
[The SAGE pukes again. And again. He starts to open his mouth as if he’s going to speak. Then he pukes again. Finally, he stops for a minute.]
CHAIKAI: Here it comes, divine wisdom, ultimate truth.
SAGE: You can spread herpes even when you don’t have an outbreak.
GIRL: What’s herbees?
BOY: I don’t know what he’s talking about.
CHAIKAI: You’re descending back to your spiritual plane now. Farewell, human children!
[The two exit. Long awkward pause.]
GIRL: That was…weird.
BOY: I wanna go to sleep now.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Ingrid Test
[A STUDENT studies a book in the library.]
STUDENT (VO): All my life, I’ve been a failure. Chile’s fired me for gnawing on buffalo wings on their way to the table. My mom kicked me out because I sold her collection of hand painted ceramic birds on ebay. Then my girlfriend dumped me because I shaved my arms and legs. This time, I’m going to get it right. All I have to do is pass this one class, and I graduate. I just have to ace this test.
[STUDENT uses flashcards, goes through notes, studies hard. A peer named JEFF walks up.]
STUDENT: Hey, Jeff, you ready for that Ingrid test in an hour?
JEFF: Ingrid test? You mean English test?
STUDENT: Wait—I mean—English test?
JEFF: Yeah, English test. What’s an Ingrid test?
STUDENT: I’m sorry, you must be confused. We’re in Ingrid class together.
JEFF: No, it’s definitely English class. [pause] What have you been studying this whole time?
STUDENT: [Looking down at his books and notes] I have no idea.
STUDENT (VO): All my life, I’ve been a failure. Chile’s fired me for gnawing on buffalo wings on their way to the table. My mom kicked me out because I sold her collection of hand painted ceramic birds on ebay. Then my girlfriend dumped me because I shaved my arms and legs. This time, I’m going to get it right. All I have to do is pass this one class, and I graduate. I just have to ace this test.
[STUDENT uses flashcards, goes through notes, studies hard. A peer named JEFF walks up.]
STUDENT: Hey, Jeff, you ready for that Ingrid test in an hour?
JEFF: Ingrid test? You mean English test?
STUDENT: Wait—I mean—English test?
JEFF: Yeah, English test. What’s an Ingrid test?
STUDENT: I’m sorry, you must be confused. We’re in Ingrid class together.
JEFF: No, it’s definitely English class. [pause] What have you been studying this whole time?
STUDENT: [Looking down at his books and notes] I have no idea.
Noisy Key
[A MAN is wandering his house, looking under pillows, under the couch, on the floor, in the refridgerator, etc.]
NARRATOR: Are you constantly losing your keys?
WOMAN: Jeff! Jeff, we have to get to the hospital! There’s so much blood!
MAN: I can’t find my keys.
NARRATOR: Do you lose your keys just when you need them the most?
WOMAN: Why did you buy that gun in the first place?
MAN: It’s his own [bleeped] fault for going through my drawers!
WOMAN: I can’t stop the bleeding!
MAN: [Bleeped], where are the [bleeped] keys!
NARRATOR: Introducing Noisy Key. Noisy Key emits a continuous ear piercing screech, making it easy to locate no matter where you’ve left it.
[A loud screeching sound as the MAN walks stands in an elevator, works in a cubicle, drives his car, sits at a funeral service.]
NARRATOR: Choose from three painfully loud screeching sounds including pterodactyl shriek, police siren, and crying baby.
[MAN is at home, hears a screeching sound from under the couch. He finds his keys there.]
MAN: Honey, I found my keys thanks to Noisy Key.
WOMAN [crying]: It’s too late. He’s dead.
MAN: Oh God no. No. NO!
NARRATOR: Order Noisy Key today for three easy payments of $7.23, and never lose your keys ever again.
MAN: [cradling his dead son in his arms] It’s all my fault.
NARRATOR: Order now!
NARRATOR: Are you constantly losing your keys?
WOMAN: Jeff! Jeff, we have to get to the hospital! There’s so much blood!
MAN: I can’t find my keys.
NARRATOR: Do you lose your keys just when you need them the most?
WOMAN: Why did you buy that gun in the first place?
MAN: It’s his own [bleeped] fault for going through my drawers!
WOMAN: I can’t stop the bleeding!
MAN: [Bleeped], where are the [bleeped] keys!
NARRATOR: Introducing Noisy Key. Noisy Key emits a continuous ear piercing screech, making it easy to locate no matter where you’ve left it.
[A loud screeching sound as the MAN walks stands in an elevator, works in a cubicle, drives his car, sits at a funeral service.]
NARRATOR: Choose from three painfully loud screeching sounds including pterodactyl shriek, police siren, and crying baby.
[MAN is at home, hears a screeching sound from under the couch. He finds his keys there.]
MAN: Honey, I found my keys thanks to Noisy Key.
WOMAN [crying]: It’s too late. He’s dead.
MAN: Oh God no. No. NO!
NARRATOR: Order Noisy Key today for three easy payments of $7.23, and never lose your keys ever again.
MAN: [cradling his dead son in his arms] It’s all my fault.
NARRATOR: Order now!
Frosting Overdose
[Two doctors rush a patient into the OR. The patient has frosting around his lips.]
DOCTOR 1: It looks like his frosting levels are off the charts.
DOCTOR 2: My God, how did he ingest so much frosting so quickly?
DOCTOR 1: Witnesses said he ate over three hundred cupcakes and then passed out in the middle of the bakery.
DOCTOR 2: Three hundred cupcakes. We’ll have to operate quickly before he starts hemorrhaging frosting.
DOCTOR 1: I’m administering the anesthetic.
DOCTOR 2: Good. I’ll start by opening his chest cavity and then we’ll scoop out the frosting with these plastic spoons here.
[The DOCTOR takes a scalpel and slices the PATIENT open. Then he starts scooping out the innards.]
DOCTOR 2: Mmm…that smells good.
DOCTOR 1: It smells really good.
[DOCTOR 2 licks the bloody frosting off the spoon.]
DOCTOR 1: Doctor! Did you just lick the patient’s innards?
DOCTOR 2: You have to try this.
DOCTOR 1: No, I’m not trying it. It’s cannibalism.
DOCTOR 2: Blah blah blah, put it in your mouth. It’s like the blood and frosting and stomach acid mixed together in the stomach and made distilled joy.
DOCTOR 1: He’s dying!
DOCTOR 2: I’m the lead surgeon at this hospital, and I’m ordering you to eat this man’s blood frosting.
[DOCTOR 1 licks the spoon.]
DOCTOR 1: Oh my God. More. I need more. Now.
[The two doctors begin scooping out the chest cavity and devouring the PATIENT’S guts. Suddenly, the PATIENT wakes up.]
PATIENT: Wh—what are you two doing to me?!
DOCTOR 1: Calm down, we’re operating.
PATIENT: You’re—you’re---you’re eating me! Stop eating me!
DOCTOR 2: Try this.
[He sticks the spoon in the PATIENT’S mouth. The PATIENT’S face lights up.]
PATIENT: Oh my God. My insides are delicious.
[He joins in the devouring of his frosting covered insides. Suddenly, the patient's WIFE walks in.]
WIFE: What's going on! Stop this right now!
PATIENT: Honey, I'm the tastiest motherfucker who ever lived! Grab a spoon!
DOCTOR 1: It looks like his frosting levels are off the charts.
DOCTOR 2: My God, how did he ingest so much frosting so quickly?
DOCTOR 1: Witnesses said he ate over three hundred cupcakes and then passed out in the middle of the bakery.
DOCTOR 2: Three hundred cupcakes. We’ll have to operate quickly before he starts hemorrhaging frosting.
DOCTOR 1: I’m administering the anesthetic.
DOCTOR 2: Good. I’ll start by opening his chest cavity and then we’ll scoop out the frosting with these plastic spoons here.
[The DOCTOR takes a scalpel and slices the PATIENT open. Then he starts scooping out the innards.]
DOCTOR 2: Mmm…that smells good.
DOCTOR 1: It smells really good.
[DOCTOR 2 licks the bloody frosting off the spoon.]
DOCTOR 1: Doctor! Did you just lick the patient’s innards?
DOCTOR 2: You have to try this.
DOCTOR 1: No, I’m not trying it. It’s cannibalism.
DOCTOR 2: Blah blah blah, put it in your mouth. It’s like the blood and frosting and stomach acid mixed together in the stomach and made distilled joy.
DOCTOR 1: He’s dying!
DOCTOR 2: I’m the lead surgeon at this hospital, and I’m ordering you to eat this man’s blood frosting.
[DOCTOR 1 licks the spoon.]
DOCTOR 1: Oh my God. More. I need more. Now.
[The two doctors begin scooping out the chest cavity and devouring the PATIENT’S guts. Suddenly, the PATIENT wakes up.]
PATIENT: Wh—what are you two doing to me?!
DOCTOR 1: Calm down, we’re operating.
PATIENT: You’re—you’re---you’re eating me! Stop eating me!
DOCTOR 2: Try this.
[He sticks the spoon in the PATIENT’S mouth. The PATIENT’S face lights up.]
PATIENT: Oh my God. My insides are delicious.
[He joins in the devouring of his frosting covered insides. Suddenly, the patient's WIFE walks in.]
WIFE: What's going on! Stop this right now!
PATIENT: Honey, I'm the tastiest motherfucker who ever lived! Grab a spoon!
Sunday, July 05, 2009
People in Order
I thought this was pretty cool.
Also, I wrote a poem about Anthony Bourdain today. It would be so easy to write nothing but poems about various celebrities' secret lives or how I imagine they act behind closed doors. I'm considering writing an entire book of poems about just that. Shit, if someone else wrote it, I'd buy it.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Television
I don't watch a lot of TV. In fact, I mostly try to avoid watching it for the same reason I don't like listening to the radio--I don't like being told when and how media is served to me. I can't stand commercials and I can't stand waiting around for the sparse islands of bearable programming in a sea of garbage. The only consistently viewable channels to me are TLC or the Travel Channel or the History channel or shit like that, but it's all turning to garbage as well.
Take the History Channel. Should be educational, right? Should be learning about history, right? There is a show on there called Life After People. I used to be slave labor (ahem, PA work) for the studio that makes this show. Life After People depicts in deceptively scientific terms what will happen to various inane things and places after humanity mysteriously vanishes. All the figures in a wax museum will melt! Our baseball stadiums will be overtaken by vines and bushes! Which breeds of dog will survive in this post-apocalyptic wasteland? Certainly not the terriers or the chihuahuas; wolves will move in and devour the lot of them in short order.
This is so dumb, it hurts to even think that it was financed and produced and no one stopped to say, "Are we seriously this stupid. Why would humanity just vanish? We're just making shit up."
This is the same studio that did a show providing a detailed scientific analysis of what aliens might look like on other hypothetical life sustaining planets. Once again, this is a bunch of made-up shit. Do you know how they think this up? They don't hire a zoologist or a biologist or some animal expert to talk about how creatures evolve in different climates, gravities, air contents, etc. Some dude my age sits at a desk and draws weird critters which are then sent to the graphics department to animate. That's it. If this guy thinks aliens on other planets would have springs for legs, well by God, aliens are going to have springs for legs. Then they get a British guy to say very seriously, "The bongomo is a species which has evolved springs instead of the legs typical of Earth organisms. The bongomo uses these springs to leap away from predators as well as to reach fruit high in the treetops."
The History Channel produces these shows even though neither of them are not historically based, not even factually based. It's nonsense.
Now the Animal Planet has gone insane. I used to watch Animal Planet for some peaceful footage of birds flying around and lions eating gazelle and shit like that. Now, Animal Planet is all about animals that eat people alive. I can't remember the name of the show, but it seems to be on all the time and is always about a crocodile that ate a girl or an elephant that trampled a baby.
Then the next show is Monsters Inside Us, about parasites that burrow into our skulls and eat our fucking brains. No joke. Parasites. That eat your fucking brains. Awesome.
Another show is called Bite Me. This show is all about this British guy who goes out into the jungle, finds something with sharp teeth, and lets it bite him. After it bites him, he then describes, with its teeth still buried in his flesh, the degree, sensation, and quality of the pain he is experiencing at that moment. Once, he stood on an ant pile, looked into the camera, and began to describe how much pain he was in. Another time, he cut his hand, stuck it in a bucket of water full of pirhanna, and then asked the people in the audience whether we thought this might be a bad idea. How many seasons can this schmuck possibly survive? Did he learn nothing from Steve Irwin, and Steve avoided getting bitten.
Everything is designed to make me dumber. Seriously, what am I learning about Brazil from you standing in a pile of Brazillian fire ants and describing their jaws injecting venom into your feet that make you feel like your balls are melting off.
This is too depressing to continue.
Take the History Channel. Should be educational, right? Should be learning about history, right? There is a show on there called Life After People. I used to be slave labor (ahem, PA work) for the studio that makes this show. Life After People depicts in deceptively scientific terms what will happen to various inane things and places after humanity mysteriously vanishes. All the figures in a wax museum will melt! Our baseball stadiums will be overtaken by vines and bushes! Which breeds of dog will survive in this post-apocalyptic wasteland? Certainly not the terriers or the chihuahuas; wolves will move in and devour the lot of them in short order.
This is so dumb, it hurts to even think that it was financed and produced and no one stopped to say, "Are we seriously this stupid. Why would humanity just vanish? We're just making shit up."
This is the same studio that did a show providing a detailed scientific analysis of what aliens might look like on other hypothetical life sustaining planets. Once again, this is a bunch of made-up shit. Do you know how they think this up? They don't hire a zoologist or a biologist or some animal expert to talk about how creatures evolve in different climates, gravities, air contents, etc. Some dude my age sits at a desk and draws weird critters which are then sent to the graphics department to animate. That's it. If this guy thinks aliens on other planets would have springs for legs, well by God, aliens are going to have springs for legs. Then they get a British guy to say very seriously, "The bongomo is a species which has evolved springs instead of the legs typical of Earth organisms. The bongomo uses these springs to leap away from predators as well as to reach fruit high in the treetops."
The History Channel produces these shows even though neither of them are not historically based, not even factually based. It's nonsense.
Now the Animal Planet has gone insane. I used to watch Animal Planet for some peaceful footage of birds flying around and lions eating gazelle and shit like that. Now, Animal Planet is all about animals that eat people alive. I can't remember the name of the show, but it seems to be on all the time and is always about a crocodile that ate a girl or an elephant that trampled a baby.
Then the next show is Monsters Inside Us, about parasites that burrow into our skulls and eat our fucking brains. No joke. Parasites. That eat your fucking brains. Awesome.
Another show is called Bite Me. This show is all about this British guy who goes out into the jungle, finds something with sharp teeth, and lets it bite him. After it bites him, he then describes, with its teeth still buried in his flesh, the degree, sensation, and quality of the pain he is experiencing at that moment. Once, he stood on an ant pile, looked into the camera, and began to describe how much pain he was in. Another time, he cut his hand, stuck it in a bucket of water full of pirhanna, and then asked the people in the audience whether we thought this might be a bad idea. How many seasons can this schmuck possibly survive? Did he learn nothing from Steve Irwin, and Steve avoided getting bitten.
Everything is designed to make me dumber. Seriously, what am I learning about Brazil from you standing in a pile of Brazillian fire ants and describing their jaws injecting venom into your feet that make you feel like your balls are melting off.
This is too depressing to continue.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Another Week
It's going to be me and this dog here by ourselves for another week.
I baked cookies to make the pain go away.
Look at this David Lynch music video for Moby. Neato.
I baked cookies to make the pain go away.
Look at this David Lynch music video for Moby. Neato.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Watching Tron
I've never seen the movie Tron before.
The effects are stunning. There's a certain specific feeling that special effects from the 70s gives me, a certain tactile quality that I don't get as often in movies these days.
Jeff Bridges owns and lives above an arcade. That's the American Dream right there.
The identity disk is obviously a frisbee with a bullseye on it.
Cyberlacrosse.
It's like watching someone else play a videogame. I actually like watching other people play videogames, so it's all good.
Who remembers Reboot?
The effects are stunning. There's a certain specific feeling that special effects from the 70s gives me, a certain tactile quality that I don't get as often in movies these days.
Jeff Bridges owns and lives above an arcade. That's the American Dream right there.
The identity disk is obviously a frisbee with a bullseye on it.
Cyberlacrosse.
It's like watching someone else play a videogame. I actually like watching other people play videogames, so it's all good.
Who remembers Reboot?
I BRING THE PAINting
I really like this girl's photography: http://riittaikonen.com/
Here is a video of her talking about her photography.
Here is a video of her talking about her photography.
It's Nice That Talk #1 – Riitta Ikonen from It's Nice That on Vimeo.
Sometimes I put this video on when I'm doing other stuff just because her accent is soothing to me for some reason.Here is a painting I did:
The resolution's not very good on this camera I used.
That's all for now.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Ghosts
There are ghosts in our house. I don't know this for a fact, but I have unfounded assertions and vague anecdotal evidence. At night, my posters keep falling down. I swear I got up about 20 times to put my posters back up on the walls. Then in the morning they just stay up. Also, something keeps shutting doors. Then there's the times when we'll walk into the living room and hear the scrunchy sound like someone is getting up off the couch.
If I had a tank of liquid nitrogen, I would freeze this ghost and present it to you as indisputable proof, but alas, I don't.
Ghosts can push over vases or turn door knobs, so why couldn't they squeeze shut a vital blood vessel in the brain. If I die of a brain anneurism or a seizure or something, let this entry be proof that I was murdered by a ghost.
If I had a tank of liquid nitrogen, I would freeze this ghost and present it to you as indisputable proof, but alas, I don't.
Ghosts can push over vases or turn door knobs, so why couldn't they squeeze shut a vital blood vessel in the brain. If I die of a brain anneurism or a seizure or something, let this entry be proof that I was murdered by a ghost.
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